Everybody hates the Water Temple
by Clownfood
Summary: You hate the water temple, I hate the watertemple, everyone hates the water temple! Naturally, so does Link. Poor guy. And Sheik isn't much help. Rated T for language


AUTHORS RAMBLING NOTES:

I hate the Water temple, you hate the water temple, everyone hates the water temple. Naturally, so does Link. This is a fic about just how much he hates the water-temple, and how stupid it is. Because it's SOOOOO stupid! MAN I hate that temple!

Anyhow. I base Links personality on what he was like in the old cartoons, you remember them? Well, a little cocky and well… bad-mouthed. Lots and lots of swearing! Whoopie-do! But it's still good old goldish-blonde Link from OoT.

Oh, and Sheik is not Zelda! Look! Here's a photo proving it! Look! See! There's Zelda , and there right next to her is Sheik! See! Okay, so their not the same person! Who came up with that evil, EVIL lie? (Gannon; snicker)

(Well, we hate Zelda. We love Sheik. That's just how it is)

ONWARD to the story then!

* * *

"Ah, fuck this!"

The cry echoed between the temple walls, mingling with the smooth sound of water brushing against stone. Soon it was followed by a loud metallic clash as Link threw his shield on the stone floor. It was soon joined by the Master Sword, but it was a little more carefully thrown. He didn't want to dent it or anything. Or worse, have it plunge into the damn water. Link followed his equipmentsexample and dropped down on the cold, damp floor, his back pressed to the ever damper wall.

"Stupid temple!" he muttered, starting to throw small pebbles into the water "Stupid water! Stupid water tide and ebb-mechanism! Who designs a place like this, that's what I want to know? Yeah, let's build a temple, and make it REALLY hard to get into, so that NO ONE can ever come here, expect all the fucking MONSTERS which are obviously a lot smarter then me because they can get EVERYWHERE! WITHOUT keys! Stupid Sages and their stupid Medallions! Why can no one ever save ANYTHING without having to find like a thousand different cups and jewels and fans and Goddess knows what kind of stupid god-powered artefacts all hidden in stupid illogical places designed by crazy sado-masochists!"

"You seem a little out of shape, Link"

Link looked up to se Sheik standing on a ledge a few meters above him. Gracefully, the Shiekan jumped down and landed softy five steps from Link, who wasn't exactly happy about the interruption in his angry rambling.

"How the hell did you get in here?" Link asked grumpily.

"I went in trough the top" Sheik calmly responded.

"You mean there is another way in?" Link stared at Sheik.

"Well, yes, of cause" Sheik responded.

"And NO ONE thought about telling me that BEFORE I had to walk under water the entire freaking way?"

"Don't yell, Link" Sheik cautioned "Going through the roof was not necessarily easier. What are you so mad about?"

"All this!" Link leaned back and gestured towards the temple interior "I'm not getting anywhere! I'm always a key short and my hook-shot don't reach nowhere and I'm cold and I'm wet and my back hurts and I'm hungry but all my food is soaked and I _hate_ this fucking place, the one who built it and all his children and ancestors and pets!"

A faint sound came from Sheik and he quickly turned away. Link eyed him angrily.

"Are you LAUGHING at me?"

"No, no" Sheik snickered "Not at all. I thought of … something funny. Entirely different situation"

"Oh, yeah? What?" Link demanded.

"Oh, you wouldn't understand" Sheik answered "You had to have been there"

"Yeah right. You're so full of shit" Link muttered.

"Look" Sheik said, settling himself next to the angry blonde "No one said this would be easy"

"No one said nothing at all!" Link pointed out "As I recall it, I woke up and everyone was all ´Yay! You're the hero of time! Good for you! Here's the sharp deadly tooth-pick of time, now go out there and SAVE that country!´ And then they threw me into a town full of un-dead! That was NOT pleasant! Not to mention the fact that I missed out on most of my life and I didn't even get any time to comprehend that before half-rotten people where hanging of my back! You understand that if I actually defeat Gannon and don't get killed by him or one of these hellish temples or their inhabitants, I'm going to need an excessive amount of therapy. And I can't _afford_ that, because this gig doesn't exactly pay well!"

"Yeah, you're right. What is the survival of the words compared to rupies and half the kingdom" Sheik mused.

"I'm not being greedy or anything!" Link answered, irritated with the bards sarcasm "It would just be nice with a little appreciation once in a while, you know! Like, when I find one of these freaking medallions and brings it to the freed sage in question, do they say ´Thank you´? No! They say ´okey, go there and jump into the mountain of lava and hellfire and get the next medallion! What are you standing around for? Get working!´. Yeah, it's not like I haven't like been in fierce battle with a dragon or anything, no, no rest for lazy little me!"

"Link" Sheik placed his white-draped hand on the hero's shoulder "I appreciate you"

"It's all a big joke to you isn't it?" Link muttered.

"Right now, yes"

"Yeah, it's real fun for those who don't have their life on the line" Link said, rubbing his forehead "I'm so sick of all this hacking and slashing. Especially when I'm on the receiving end"

"Alright then" Sheik said with a serious look on his face "I'll tell the sages you don't want this anymore. That they'll have to find another Hero to complete the task and then you could live quietly in Kakariko. You could make pottery! Yes! And you would be known far and wide for your marvellous pottery. You could have a wife and three kids who would never believe that their pottery-making old man was ever a great Hero. How does that sound?"

Link stared at the slender man angrily, but then he seriously considered it, and his face softened.

"Boring" he answered "Maybe someday, when I'm older (if I ever get out of this watery hell) I could be a great pottery-maker. But not right now"

"Yes, because hard or not, you love this hero-business" Sheik stated.

"I sure do" Link said with a boyish smile, which then quickly faded as he snapped his head at the bard "But I still hate this temple (and to some extent the sages and Zelda. Stupid them)!"

"If it makes you feel any better, I'll treat you to a huge chicken-dinner when or if you ever get out of here. I know this great Inn in Kakariko" Sheik smiled from beneath the rags that covered half his face.

"Throw in a couple of beers and you got yourself a deal!" Link answered with a grin.

"Sure. Why not" Sheik got to his feat and Link followed his example "Well, I should go practice the next ancient magical hymn I have to try teaching you. _If_ you get out of here"

"You have to practice them?" Link asked, surprised "I thought you knew them all by heart"

"Oh no, I have to practice" Sheik responded "You don't want to know what happens if you play them wrong!"

"Oh, would it be… _nothing_?" Link mused.

"You played them wrong?"

"On several occasions"

"You are so musically untalented! And I am the one who has to try and teach you! How can you NOT remember such a simple piece?"

"How can YOU have to practice such a simple piece, if you're so great?"

Sheik looked like he was about to answer, but decided not to.

"I don't much care for this conversation and I believe you have monsters to slay and doors to open, and I have … _things_ to do" Sheik reached for his pocked and quickly threw a deku-nut in the floor, causing a small explosion, temporary blinding Link

"Later hero" Sheiks voice echoed over the surface of the water.

"Right" Link called out after him "Like I didn't see you jump up to that ledge! I _can_ see your shadow you know! Oh you think you're soooo cool but I got you all figured!"

Then he picked up his sword and shield, strapped them on and started to look for the next unnaturally well-hidden key.

* * *

AUTHOR (again! Does she ever shut up!):

Okay, there you have it! This is my first Zelda-fic! Tell me if you liked it and want some more (like that promised dinner at the Inn?) or if you hate it and are going to come after me with sticks and Deku nuts! (noooooo!) I wrote this because there are SO MANY BAD Zelda-fics out there (hope this isn't one of them) and no one seems to see Link and the rest as I do. So I wrote this. Hopefully, some of you thinks of them the same way I do. So please, Review and tell me what you think, alright? Thanks for reading!

Music for this fic: Nil Lara "Fighting for my love", Jennifer Saunders "I need a Hero"


End file.
